Too much empathy? I don’t know

The definition of empathy is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”. We all want that. To express it and to have others express it back.

Trying to live intentionally means trying to live my best life. To be empathic comes into that. Shared experiences and trying to understand what others are going through. Even when you haven’t experienced it.

My question of can you have too much empathy relates to an experience. What do we do when empathy is not expressed back at us over time? When you come to the point when you are exhausted of being there, trying to understand what someone is going through, constantly listening, suggesting and going out of your way to be there. When you have a bad day and it is all of a sudden all about them? No empathy whatsoever. Worse is that now you are dealing with someone in a bad mood directed at you.

Yes to saying this is about me and needing space to process. It is hard to process your thoughts and feelings over what happened to begin with. Now your processing someone else mood that should have nothing to do with the original situation.

I guess my question up for discussion is when does your mental health trump empathy for someone else? When you are worried about someone else who doesn’t have any empathy for you and what you are going through – at what point do you stop worrying and put yourself first? When putting yourself first might mean less empathy to them. That the world does not resolve around them and you have to take a step back and realize you can’t fix it all.

Can we have empathy without feeling we should be fixing something that might not want to be fixed? I would love to hear people’s thoughts on this. Living intentionally for me means creating the life I want. Being a kind person. Supporting and stepping up to the plate. But at what cost?

What are your feelings on this subject?

The 100 day project – a fun intention

Why don’t we shake things up and set a fun intention.  The 100 day project is a free global art project that takes place on-line.  This is the 9th year.  Starting February 13th, 2022 for 100 days is do something.

The do something is wide open.  It could be painting, knitting, dancing, photography, meditation or whatever. We get to decide. There is no limit on what our 100 day project can be.  It should be something you enjoy, maybe a new habit you want to engage in. Besides that anything goes. 

There is also not a time limit. You don’t have to set aside twenty minutes a day for 100 days.  Yes you can if you want, but it is not mandatory. My idea is to set a realistic project that can be done in 5-10 minutes tops. If I want to spend longer on it great. 

Remember we want this to be fun. Don’t pick a project that requires a lot of work that you might come to regret. Fun, easy and not a big time commitment. I’m still mulling over a few ideas so I will keep you posted.

Check out the site for all the details. I’ll report back when I nail down my project. If you’re interested drop a line and let me know. Also let me know any ideas you think might be work undertaking.

I have my word for the the new year!!

When I started to go through how I wanted to feel and what I wanted to accomplish in 2022 finding my word for the new year wasn’t that hard. Check out working on my word for some background information.

The coming year I want to work full-on on my creativity.  Writing, blogging and other endeavors. To start, finish and push myself. I want to have a novel edited and sent to editors. I want to explore and push myself on the blog. What about offering a creative course? I want to end next year exhausted and excited about what I have accomplished and put out there.

I want to end the year knowing I tried my best. So that lead me to the word “accomplish”. As that is what I want to do the coming year accomplish projects.  I want to feel that I gave it my all. I set a schedule. I focused. I broke my projects down into manageable bits. I didn’t let negativity or perfectionism get in my way.

I sat with the word “accomplish” for a while.  It felt like I was in the vicinity of the word I wanted but not exactly there.  Next stop thesaurus. Words that came up for accomplish were fulfill, achieve, realize and attain. That was it! I found my word.

Realize. I want to realize my ideas. To make them happen or know I did my best. Remember if you try you can never fail. Failure is not trying. Trying and not making the exact mark is not failure but learning. Sorry off topic!!

The word realize will push me to take chances and give me focus. To realize my ideas (decided not to use the word dream). To make this coming year terrific and worthwhile. To realize I have control of my year and what happens is all on me.

Have you decided on a word for the new year? How do you want to feel? What do you want to realize? I would love to start a conversation here and even support each other in what we’re up to next year.

We have this!

Working on my word for 2022

Looking at the calendar I am kind of blown away. The end of November! My mind is racing on what I want done before the end of the year. Oh let’s also toss the holidays in there too.

I’m starting to think about my word for 2022. This leads me to what type of year I want to have. Along with what I want to accomplish. What word would resonate with me for the year. I picked courage one year and that led me to do stuff I might not have.

Having a word for the year gives me a focus. For the word courage I need to be my word. If I am couragous this is what I would do – and I did. It was the push I needed. To have a word that resonates enough with you to push you into becoming that word.

A few things I’m going to consider when I think about what I want my word to be is how do I want to feel. Do I want to feel more balanced? More resilence? More brave? How do I want to move through the coming year?

I also look around at ongoing projects. Also projects in my head. What exactly do I want to accomplish and/or complete this year? Or let go of. When courage was my word I self-published a book – because that is what a courgeous person does. The word gave me that push. I thought I can’t have a word and not act on it.

So ask yourself how you want to feel, along with what you want to do. Is there a word that encompasses your year? Maybe pick two words and divide the year up if you have two that speak to you. This is about what works for us.

So I’m starting to ask myself questions. Take inventory and see where I want to be guided and pushed in 2022.

Update on Project 333

I started Project 333 mid June.  See original post here.  This will also give you a link to Project 333.  Fast summary for three months you wear 33 items (work/casual clothes, footwear, jewelry, accessories, outerwear).  Note underwear and pajamas not on the list. 

I tossed all my summer clothes on the bed.  I started pulling out items I knew I would wear especially to work.  I picked two pair of earrings and put all my other jewelry out of sight (box under bed). The items I choose went into one drawer and one part of my closet.  Lucky I have enough space to put items not in use in another drawer I didn’t have to access.

Originally I had two pair of jeans. That quickly changed one Saturday when the humidity almost did me in.  Home to swap out jeans for a summer casual skirt. Yes we’re allowed to swap out as life happens.  I wore my 33 items for rest of June, July, August, September and into October.  October I swapped out a few pieces for more “fall” appropriate items.  Still 33 items.

I asked a friend at work if she thought I was wearing the same clothes again and again. She said no. She didn’t noticed my clothes where any different than last summer or season.  So less clothes didn’t look like I was constantly wearing the same thing again and again. 

I have a pair of black summer pants and capris.  So could wear them with pretty well any top I had.  I have one dress a friend recently gave me that I debated including but I really liked it so I did. So happy as I felt good in it (which is what it is all about). That came out every other week. 

I felt I had more than enough choices, especially when pulling work clothes for five days a week.  No repeats of tops.  Maybe the black capris.  Wore my jeans on Friday with a casual top.  Weekend wear fine as had a few casual items.

Decision is I’m doing it again for fall/winter.  I have already started weeding out summer clothes that didn’t make the cut.  I waited until September as the book said don’t toss anything out until you actually see if you can do it and you don’t miss items.  I haven’t missed much just a few t-shirts.  Have a bag for goodwill ready to go. 

No one noticed my “lack” of clothes. Which wasn’t. It was easy to know what I was wearing as one drawer of tops and one small rack in closet. I didn’t have to move anything to find items. All lined up in clear sight. 

I’m looking forward to finishing going through summer items and pulling out fall/winter.  Also looking forward to pulling out my jewelry and having a really good look at that.  My two pair of earrings were fine for the last four months.  Plus my dresser is so much more tidy with less stuff on it. Added bonus. 

So if you are looking for a project I recommend Project 333. It gives you a taste of  a capsule wardrobe.  You are only committed (not the right word!) for three months or think of it as a season.  You have to pick out your favorite pieces and ones that work together. You might find out that you have similar items. Or what about clothes you bought and haven’t worn?  Or items that are not you anymore? 

Why are we holding on to these items? Why are we allowing them to take up space not only in our closet but life? I’m freeing up closet space and head space. Less to think about.  I’m not going to see a item and think why did I spend money on that?  Or I’ll never wear that – and leave it there to never wear.  Imagine just seeing items you actually wear in your closet.  Or jewelry and accessories that bring you joy not clutter your space.

I recommend it.  What do you have to lose but clutter?  Remember be intentional about what you want in your life and what you don’t.

 

Picture our perfect day in five years

I have been listening to Cait Flanders Opting Out Podcast.  One episode was the perfect day in five years.  She gave a list of questions to consider where you want to be in five years. What your perfect day would be.  I thought this might be a good starting point to create some intentions to move us forward.

As we consider the questions of where we want to be in five years we should also consider how to move forward to that perfect day.  What can we set in place now or let go of that moves us forward?  

I’m not going to answer the questions here. I will be journaling about them.  Anything that comes up I should be doing or letting go of I’ll keep you posted.  I hope this gets you thinking what you need or where you might want to be headed.  Please drop me a line. I would love to see what comes up for you.  I’m a good listening and brain-stormer!  Here they are!  Remember this is your perfect day.

1. What time do you get up and how do you feel?
2. Where are you?  Home what does it look like?
3. Who is with you?
4. What kind of work are you doing?
5. How do you look and what are you wearing?
6. How do you get to work?
7. What do you enjoy doing after work – hobbies maybe.
8. What is your evening like?
9. How are you feeling when you go to bed after a good day?
10. What are you grateful for now / today?

As you can see the questions are more open.  Remember this is your perfect day in five years.  Sit with them. Journal them. Maybe put them away for a bit to mull over.  Then we can head back and start to move forward to that perfect day.

PS I’m usually someone who would answer questions realistically.  Just look forward to where I will likely be in five years and do my perfect day from that.  But NOT this time.  This time I am full on imaging what my perfect day could be.  The sky is the limit for this people!!

  

Becoming more playful – can that be an intention?

Helllllooooo Yes!

Somewhere along the way we have lost our sense of play as adults. Exploring new worlds, seeing new things or seeing things differently. We are so caught up in rushing here and there. Living in the future and constantly thinking what needs to be done to get to there. Worse we are putting things off until later. When I get free time. When I have vacation. When I retire. When I…… You get the picture. The only time we have is now.

Play falls to the bottom on the list. We’re adults we don’t play! Okay why not? What makes play not an adult activity? Adults play sports, have hobbies those are often play. Maybe we have to expand our idea of play.

Play doesn’t have to be heading out to play hopscotch (but it could!!!)  It could be scheduling time in for a yoga class. Or wine tasting with friends. What about on-line paint night? Juicy book anyone?

If your intention is more play let’s brainstorm!  Write down any and all things you enjoy doing. Don’t look at whether it is “play” but things that make you smile, bring you joy.  Also consider activities you would like to try – say a dance class? Pottery?  Don’t take anything off the list.  Remember this is a brain dump – let is all spill out.

Drop in the comments what you come up with and we’ll report back. Yes play can be an intention and I think a great one. When we play we are positive and happy. That spills into other areas. Play!!!

 

Has Pandemic made you rethink priorities?

Has living through COVID-19 made you step back and rethink priorities? Your future? What is important?

I love to travel. I save my vacation time and money so that each year I have two weeks off in a row. My vacations have been Italy, Ireland, Spain and France to name a few. Needless to say not cheap with airfare (where I live nothing is direct), accommodations, food and of course spending money. As an aside planning for me is also half the fun – getting together and making a list of things to see and do (again $$).

So COVID-19 hits and no one is going anywhere. We are now into the second year and frankly I won’t be on a plane this year. So two years without travel. I should be saving and saving for my trip when this is finally over. Plus I had months of not getting out in lockdown so cash in the bank there.

What happened? Yes, I have still been saving as that is something I do even with travel. But I haven’t saved and saved for my blow out trip after pandemic. Why? I realized I still love travel and there are places I want to see (hopefully) when this is over. BUT I want to live now. I didn’t want COVID-19 to stop my life – to put it on hold until I could travel again. To write 1-2 years of my life off – to just “get through this”. Life is precious we don’t know how long we have. I have given up enough to COVID-19 I am not letting it dictate everything.

When I made the decision to live my best life now, during COVID-19, it changed my head space. Yes, to saving for the future as that was a given. I looked at what I could do during COVID-19 and realized I now had opportunities I wouldn’t have or taken if COVID-19 hadn’t happened. I know that sounds weird but it is true.

The first summer I took on a creative coach. I would NOT have done that if COVID-19 hadn’t happened. Why? That money would have gone to airfare. We also rented a cottage for a week. Again something I had never done before as my vacations were always booked to leave the country. It was lovely – totally relaxing and I felt good supporting people in my area. We’re going again this year – different place about three hour drive from home! Excited.

I decided I wanted to support local artisans so purchased some artisans boxes. Again not something I would have done before COVID-19 as money was always ear-marked for other things. Through this I have pieces now in my home to enjoy and wear.

COVID-19 has me stepping back and reviewing my priorities. Where I want to spend my time, money and energy. Yes to travelling in the future and I am and will save for that, but not at the expense of living now. Of stepping out of what I thought was my priority (vacations away) and living my best life at this time with what I can do. I will not let COVID-19 take that away. Readjust, look at what I can do, celebrate my wins, try new things – be flexible.

This awful time has given me space to rethink and be more flexible in what I want to do and experience. WOW a creative coach! A cottage on the water! Grabbing my wins and also making things happen during a difficult time (to say the least).

Has living through a pandemic changed your priorities? How you plan? Save? What you want in life? I would love to know your thoughts. Drop a line.

It is hard to create boundaries

Living intentionally can mean setting boundaries to secure your time and often mental health. I work full-time and recently set an intention or boundary of not answering my phone in the evening. People could leave a message or contact me through text.

I let people know my new boundary. One friend asked me if I was going to see anyone to discuss my phone phobia. What?? I answer the phone ALL DAY at work. I was totally taken back. I thought I had set a boundary. I had to process this and talk to another friend to realize this wasn’t about me. I was taking care of me. People could contact me or leave a message.

It was such a clear message of when we set boundaries other people won’t necessary support us. Especially if it affects them – changes the dynamics and maybe their needs are no longer met. At that point I knew I had to be strong. That I didn’t have a phobia and need therapy for setting a boundary for me. To have my evenings free to do my thing.

We have to stay firm. I know from being a people pleaser in the the past it is hard. That we might not keep our boundaries as people don’t like change. The thing is this isn’t about us but about them. I did nothing wrong putting myself first and didn’t deserve to be told I had a phone phobia.

If people don’t like the changes we are making and can’t support us that is on them. Don’t apology for taking care of yourself. You can’t meet everyone needs. Putting yourself first should not need explanations or justifications. I’ll work on me and let other people work on them. Support should work both ways. But don’t wait for support to put yourself first. If they don’t get it so be it.

Doing my Project 333

I came across Project 333 and decided to take it on.  This post will give you Project 333 background and my reasons why I’m doing it.  Fast summery three months 33 items of clothing/shoes/accessories to wear.

I wanted to give an update since I’ve been into it almost a month.  To get my 33 items I tossed all my summer clothes on the bed. There were certain items I knew right off wouldn’t make the cut so I put them away. I cleared out a drawer for tops I was wearing for the next three months and another drawer for tops I wasn’t.  That way I wouldn’t be tempted to wear a top when I opened the drawer. No need to access that drawer for three months. It is working.

I need work clothes – not business suits but casual items. Capris and nice tops for the summer. I ended up with 9 bottoms. These include jeans. Remember I need work and play clothes. Also one dress a friend had recently given me that I thought would shake things up a bit.  I picked out 17 tops. Typing that it sounds like a lot and I guess it is if you check out what other people’s 33 items are. I’m not into accessories so I didn’t include scarves, necklaces or bracelets. I walk everywhere so sneakers and a pair of sandals. For purses I have my backpack which I take to work everyday with wallet and lunch. That meant one pursue for the weekend.  Last items were two pairs of earrings. Earrings are the only jewelry I wear everyday. I put all my jewelry away in a box and left out a pair of silver hoops (small) and my fishhook silver fish earrings. These fish earrings I have had forever and have always been my go to summer earrings.

I put my 33 items separate from my others clothes so I just access them. I’m lucky to have a big enough closet for that. It makes it easier not seeing other stuff. A friend at work asked me when I was starting my Project 333 and I said I had already! So she didn’t notice the same clothes (or what I thought was the same clothes) every week.

When my clothes were on my bed I started mixing what tops would work with what bottoms.  Since I have more tops than bottoms I started with bottoms. I laid them out and went to the tops mixing and matching with them. Some items were easy like backpack, sneakers, jeans and a few tops. I don’t feel like I’m missing stuff for the majority of the time.  More on weekends when I want to grab a t-shirt. Yes I have t-shirts in my 33 items, but sometimes I think oh that one.

I don’t mind having less clothes to go through. I pick my clothes out on Sunday for the week so no scrambling in the morning.  I have more than enough clothes so I’m not repeating myself during the week. I mean 17 tops seriously (yes a few are for play) so that is two weeks of work with no repeats.  Can wear jeans on Friday.

I can already see a few of the items I will be donating when my three months are up. Clothes I didn’t wear and didn’t make the cut to even consider being part of my 33.  Also no purchasing of clothes for three months.

My biggest struggle is weekends and tops that didn’t make the cut but I like. But I’m good with that.  They are in the drawer waiting. Some to keep and others definitely into the goodwill bag.

This hasn’t been as hard as I thought when I made the decision to do Project 333.  I recommend checking it out – link in my original post at the top. I will be getting rid of clothes when this is over and can see more closet space. Also knowing my style more and what clothes made the cut and why.

Everyone’s 33 items for 3 months will be different and that is what makes this interesting. I know I have more tops than necessary. Maybe I should have chosen another set of earrings or a bracelet for the summer.

The project (your items) are not set in stone. The author says if you find you need to swap stuff out do it. This shouldn’t feel like a sentence. It is to show us what is important to us and that yeah maybe we have too much stuff.  Less choice can be a good thing, especially if you are looking into a fully packed closet with nothing to wear.

If you have done Project 333 or considering it, I would love to hear your take on it. Along with how you made your choices and what your items were.